The Point of No Return

Recently, I've heard of news that my primary school classmate, X, has embarked on the journey of marriage life due to unexpected pregnancy. You know, I've heard and read about many stories involving knocked-up teenagers being forced into early marriage. But, there's a different feeling to it when that teenager has some sort of connection with you, however scarce that connection is. I was never really close to X during my primary school years, but I knew her and was in the same classroom environment with her for 6 years. I simply can't imagine someone who is the same age as I, was in the same school, same class with me being pregnant with a baby. She is going to be a mother at the young age of 17. There's an odd feeling that I can't fathom, and it triggers me to think more seriously about the devastating consequences of pre-marital sex.

X's unexpected pregnancy serves as a reminder for me, to never commit to sexual activities if I have no ability to rear myself, let alone a breathing, eating child. I've always have strong objections to pre-marital sex. Regardless of how much I love the guy, love does not necessarily have to involve sex. If I were to have a boyfriend now, I want a relationship based on a strong emotional connection, rather than mere physical. It is the journey of growing up together, exploring hidden depths of our personalities and experimenting with romance that I seek for, instead of passionate-no-boundaries sort of kissing, caressing and probing of hands to inappropriate body parts, which ultimately leads to sex. Although in Western cultures, pre-marital sex is a no-big-deal issue and is commonly practised by many, I feel that it is my responsibility as a Chinese to uphold my Eastern cultures with rigorousness and honor.

In truth, I would much rather prefer to be jeered at as the last virgin or old-fashioned than to be pregnant in a messed-up relationship and no income to support myself. As women, I think that saving ourselves for our future husband is the right thing to do. It's the best wedding present we can give to our husbands - an untarnished reputation, entirely clean and untouched. If the guy you're currently in a relationship with genuinely cares and loves you, he would be willing to wait. If not, well, he's not worth it anyway. No point risking pregnancy, STDs, emotional distress and possible ruining of life just so he would say, "I really, really love you." Will he still feels the same for you when you're all ballooned up and waddling like a duck? I seriously doubt it. Three's a crowd.

Hypothetically, if I were the messed-up, knocked-up teenager, I would rather be a single mother than marry the father of my child. What's the point, when it is inevitable that both of us would meet other people in our late twenties, consequently divorcing? It is naive and foolish to think that he would stick around, playing the role of devoted father when he is as immature as he was 3 years back. I might even opt for abortion, even though it is the most selfish and cruel thing to do. I will be scarred for life, a damaged soul. Therefore, I pray to God that I'll never have to make that sort of decision, and that I can be strong-willed enough to resist pre-marital sex.

Abort or no abort, it is the point of no return. You'll always see your life as the phase before you got knocked-up (where your only worries were split hair-ends and SPM), and the phase after you realized about your pregnancy. I wish X good luck with her marriage and baby. This will not be an easy road for her - she not only has to face the discrimination of society, but also her own insecurities and fears of her unmapped future. Deep down though, I feel grateful to my parents for culturing in me good values, and that it is not me who's standing at that point of no return.

Career Options?

Career Options?

I've been spending the last few days in complete hedonistic culture. My butt has certainly been parked on the couch for 4 hours straight, with the TV blaring away.

The thing is, I'm quite distracted with the 'what-happens-after- SPM' question. Classmates around me are busy filling out as many scholarship forms as they can, photostatting important documents and stuff. Yet, I haven't applied for even one. It seems like I'm putting all my hopes on JPA scholarship. I might apply for local matriculation (just an option), but after serious consideration, my education pathway after SPM would most probably be A-levels. I want to give myself time to think that if being a doctor is truly what I want, rather than rush into it and regret later. I don't want to be the person who when asked, 'How was you day?', answers 'I HATE my job. I HATE my BOSS who's definitely from HELL. I WANT to QUIT but I can't because I'm BROKE." Another reason is that , I want the time and chance to do community service. Being a doctor is about serving and helping others - charity work will give me part of the experience.

I honestly think that everyone chose their careers way too early in life. Have anyone realised that at age 17-19, we are forced to make a choice on what we want to do for the rest of our lives? We've only lived 17 years, but yet, we are forced to make a decision which would have huge repercussions on our lives for the next 45 years! To think of it this way, it is quite unfair. On the other hand, if we do not make the choice now, what would we do with ourselves while we wait until 'we're ready'?

Why do I choose to be a doctor? The obvious answer is to save lives. Yes, that part is true. Another reason is that it is a self-satisfying job. With your own hands, you are able to give people the second chance to live. You have the ability to help unfortunate people. You are able to put your patients' benefits first and foremost, that being the utmost importance in your job scope - not entertaining clients, pasting on a fake, plastic smile for the benefit of customers, sidling up to your boss to get a promotion, backstabbing work rivals etc. My first responsibility is to my patients and do what is best for them, not sucking up to my boss and telling him what he wants to hear but not what he needs to know. I absolutely hate that part of the corporate world. It is harsh, competitive, somewhat cold and cruel. Everything is pure ambition - the drive to succeed, the race to make money. I don't think I would want to settle for being a plain doctor working in a clinic - I want to always be in action in the hospital. I look at the African kids with kwashiorkor, dying of poverty, disease and starvation through the TV screen. What comes across my mind is, why is it that I am worrying about exams the next day, when these kids wonder if they'll survive tomorrow? It makes me depressed, and I have the strong urge to help them escape these hardships.

However, the selfish part of me thinks of the negative impacts being a doctor would have on my family/ social life. There was this day when Dr. Tan came into my class, and she suddenly brought up the topic of doctor as a career choice for women with Diva (who also aspires to be a doctor). She was asking Diva if she wants to be a mother when Diva gave her a blank stare. I found myself asking her what is the problem of being a mother and a doctor at the same time. She answered that it is very difficult because of the long hours put into work. "And, what happens when your husband got tired of your working hours and started dating other people?" she asked. It was my turn to gave her a blank stare. I mean, I know the possibility of that happening to me, especially if I choose to be a doctor. But still, fancy a teacher predicting that your future husband having an extramarital affair? It kind of shocked me. Eventually, I answered, "Of course, when he married me, he should already known and agreed to my working hours. Otherwise, he wouldn't have..." She cuts me off and said, "When he proposed, of course he said that. Then, what happens later...." which I have no answer to.

Does she thinks that I haven't ran through any of those possibilities? I know that it would be a tough journey - 5 years in medicine, 3 years in government service and being an intern, then back to 5 years of studies for being a specialist. 24 hours on-call, irregular sleeps, in debt, flustered, tired, hot-tempered work days etc. But at the end of the day, my job satisfies me. I have some scenarios lined up in my head:

Scenario 1:

My pearl-wearing/ cardigan/ apron-wearing friends might all be married with the nice house + garden, trophy husbands and 3 kids, whilst I still may be the single-too-tired-for-dating-and-don't-ask-me-about-marriage-living-off-other-people's-romances person.

Scenario 2: Married to the husband who outwardly seems loyal, but is having intoxicating affairs with his secretary while I plough on at work. How typical. Divorce would surely be the outcome?

Scenario 3:

Maybe I would meet someone who truly loves, understands and accepts me for who I am and what I do for a living. In turn, I may not be the Nicole-Kidman-poised-and-elegant trophy wife who he can have by his side for work parties, but I would love him for who he is with all of my heart. But still, I have problems imagining myself as some one's 'wife' who have to do his bidding, wash the laundry, do the cooking etc.

Scenario 4:

I died while treating patients with contagious diseases in Africa. Don't laugh. It is a possibility. I guess if it's for a meaningful cause...

That is why I need the time A-levels can provide me to think through if everything is worth being a doctor for. In my opinion, whether or not I get to stay married (or even get married at the first place) and have kids is fated. Maybe I would get to meet my soul mate, but not marry him. It's all God's will. This is not something I can control.

As if what she said and what I thought through wasn't enough, Dr. Tan added, "Nothing's fated or is destiny. You choose for yourself what type of life you want to live." Huh. So, you're telling me if I chose not to be a doctor, my husband will stay faithful? I don't think it has anything to do with the career. (Well, maybe 40%) But, most of it is compatibility of personalities and adaptation.

This is why I said it's unfair that I have to choose so early in my life what I want to do. I'm a little scared, to be honest. At least, my aim now is to excel in SPM. (Though it's not like I have enough time to think about my next step after SPM if I were to start college in January 2010). Scary.

My Family

My Family

You might think that I'm a little too old to be writing an essay titled "My Family". However, it wasn't until recently that I was reminded how blessed I am to be a member of this family. When I went out for lunch with Wan Shin and Pau Ching the other day, they expressed their envy towards me for having such a great family, headed by a pair of supportive parents. That sort of got me thinking about it. It's not that I've never appreciated my family, but I might had took for granted that every one's family is as functional and democratic as mine is.

Sure, my family's not perfect, and we had some ugly moments and bad days. But thanks to my father and his stack of self-help books, we managed conflicts and arguments better than most families (not to offend, it's just my observations). It sort of came as a shock to me when I first discovered that not all families function like mine does.

From what I heard and observed, many of my friends'/ relatives' families are ruled by monarchy. Conversely, mine is ruled democratically. My dad genuinely takes into account what all of us have to say regarding a decision. We go by voting for most things we do together. What I like most is that, my parents rarely make major decisions for us without consulting us beforehand. For example, if one of us wants to do something but is disapproved by them, they would say, "I don't think it's a good idea. But, it's up to you. If you think you're up for it, go ahead." They do not say this in a you-better-follow-what-I-say-or-I'll- hold-it-against-you tone. They really mean it. In that way, we're fully responsible for our own decisions, and therefore be facing the consequences of our own actions.

My family is also all about planning things ahead. Most of our outings are planned a couple of days ahead, so that we're able to put aside some time during the weekends to spend time together. Besides, we do a lot of financial planning. We have 3 really frugal people in my family - Dad, Yan and I. I think we have some sort of weird satisfaction when we're able to save a few bucks. I was my Dad's first 'financial student'. He taught me to flip the price tag over and have a glance at it before even contemplating buying anything. Consequently, I'm very sensitive to the four-letter word: FREE. When Yan and Jun got older, it was I who started teaching them what Dad taught me. Unfortunately, frugality is quite incompatible with Jun's personality. Yan went a little too extreme at being frugal, though.

People often say that you're the mirror image of your parents. How you act in public portrays the attitude and personality of your parents. I must congratulate my parents for the successful upbringing of my brothers and I. It seems like I've never have had the urge to be rebellious before. I think obedience must have been drilled into my mind since I was born. I don't know why, but I seem to have huge fears for punishment and therefore, I always follow the rules.

What I never need to say to to anybody is: My parents do not understand me. I love the fact that my parents like me for who I am (not because they're forced to as I'm their offspring). They never try to clone me into them. They moulded good qualities into me and tried to get rid of my bad habits, but they never tried to change the essence that makes me me. They respect my career choice, and try to be as informed as possible about my possible career pathways. They have never pressured me into choosing a particular career, like how many parents pressured their children to become doctors (actually, my current ambition is to be a doctor, but I was not pressured into it. I chose it out of my own passion).

My relationship with my dad is fairly neutral. We rarely argue, but when we do, it's far worse than the arguments I have with my mum. I find it easier to communicate with Dad (we often have long talks about various things together, until Mum has to throw me out of their bedroom). He's a good listener and advisor, and he isn't judgemental. He's a calm and collected person, so there's rarely an emotional outburst from him. He's like the safe zone - no bombs, no sudden wars, no rocket missiles. I also absolutely love the way he knocks at my door, swings his head in and ask me how's my day after he comes home from work every day. How many Dads actually does that? However, he sometimes bore me to death with his 1001 logical reasoning, and quotes from self-help books.

With Mum, we have a lot of disagreements and conflicts, but they're always resolved with the help of The Peacemaker - Dad. Mum and I get along well enough, and she's a pretty good career advisor. She's harsh, exaggerating and hot-tempered, but she also cares deeply for the development of my whole-being. We're not exactly best friends ( I only tell her things she needs to know), but I love the way she comes unexpectedly into my room, sits on my bed and starts talking to me while I'm scribbling away at my homework. She also remembers the little things I love and buys them as surprise gifts for me every now and then - Beryl's dark chocolates, those cute little Panda biscuits with chocolate filling, photo albums etc.

With Yan and Jun, I must accept the fact that they'll always be closer to each other compared to with me. They're twins, so I guess it's normal. However, I sometimes feel quite isolated as the odd one out. Dad has Mum; Yan has Jun; I'm with myself. I often talk to myself before going to bed (I'm NOT insane), because I'm the only person in my bedroom. For all I care, I can switch the bedroom lights on and off repeatedly and no one's going to shout at me to cut it out. During weekend nights, three of us will talk in their bedroom till past midnight. What is said in their bedroom, stays in their bedroom. We rarely remember anything about our long talks, unless it's something significant.

What I love and also hate about Yan is his inquisitiveness. He likes to ask hypothetical questions, and you have to answer them repeatedly as he always fail to catch it the first time although he has a sharp mind. I sometimes wonder if he does it intentionally to irritate people. It always drives me up the wall, and thus I seldom answer him the second time he asks the same question. We're both practical, no-nonsense people, so I guess I'm more compatible with Yan compared to Jun. We often have heated discussions over dinner regarding world affairs, while Jun remains blissfully ignorant unless it involved the word "football", "Christiano Ronaldo" or 'wife". As I said, Yan is extremely frugal and loves hypothetical questions, for example:

"Do you want children?" He asked me.

"Of course," I replied.

"How many?"

"Minimum 2, maximum 3. Why do you ask?"

"Because I don't want any," he said.

"Why? Are you afraid that your wife is going to die of childbirth complications or something?" I was shocked.

"No. Because having children is a waste of money. Do you realise that you spend at least 1 million on each child?"

"But..."

"Do you think Mum and Dad will mind if I don't give them grandchildren?"

"I guess not. Jun's bound to produce offspring, even if both of us don't do so. I bet he's the first of us to get married, anyway."

"If you have children, are you going to buy them toy cars and Barbie dolls? He asked me.

"Hmm...no. It's a waste of money." I answered him after some thought.

"Then what will you buy for them?"

"Educational toys like puzzles and Lego, I guess." I said.

"Well, I'm not buying any. It's a waste of money."

Needless to say, he has completely forgotten his earlier decision of not having any children.

Jun and I might be incompatible sometimes, but I love the way he sidles up to me and apologize using those big, sorrowful eyes of his. Sometimes though, I like to play around and pretend to not forgive him. He's a sensitive, caring and loving brother, despite his stubbornness. Like Yan, he likes to ask hypothetical questions about family too:

"Are you living in Malaysia when you grow up?" He asked.

"Maybe." I shrugged.

"I'm going to live next to Yan Yan next time." He stated.

"What if your wife and Yan's wife are enemies?"

"Then, I'll divorce her. Yan Yan is more important."

Huh. I doubt that will ever happen. Him choosing Yan over his wife? He who used to say that his crush is prettier and slimmer than me? Huh. Huh.

And thus, this is my family. We might each have our little quirks and habits, but we're still a strong family. We stick together through thick and thin, we're each other's support system, and that's what's most important. (Sounds corny, but it's true)

Holidays and the Year 2008

Holidays and the Year 2008

This year certainly flied past. It was as if the 'Forward' button was pressed and you're plonked with a 'You're Here!' sign when you have absolutely no idea how you ended up here so quickly in the first place.

Right, this year was not as eventful as last year, but certainly more exhausting. I still don’t know how I pulled it through for the final exams. It was like I was running a thousand-mile marathon, just stopping for brief intervals for rest. By the end of it though, it was all worth it. Thank God that I did not have those horrendous nightmares where I was seated in front of a desk, a pen in hand and exam papers to work on. It was truly exhausting having those nightmares - I had to actually think on how to phrase my answers (because I was not aware that it was just a dream), plus getting cold sweat after I woke up, thinking, “Oh, shit! Did I answered it correctly?”, to find that the methods I used in my nightmare was fundamentally wrong in the first place. Huh.

About my personal life, everything's been pretty stagnant, apart from the death of my grandfather. My friendship with Laine and Yin had strengthened, and I made a few new friends (Pau Ching, Wei Wen etc.). However, up till now, not one of any new friends I made can beat up to the strong, mutual friendship I have with Laine and Yin. They are always there for me, and I never saw the discriminating or disgusted glint in their eyes when they look at me. They never make me feel stupid of myself, neither did they step brutally and cruelly onto my confidence. When we’re together, I feel carefree, weightless, even. We talk like there’s no boundaries because there’s rarely the need to filter what we want to say before we actually speak. Our same thoughts often come simultaneously one after another, as if there’s invisible linkers linking our train of thoughts together. When we laugh, we never care if our laughter is too loud or if we’re snorting uncontrollably, because we unravel ourselves in front of each other, without the complicated, elaborately decorated wrappers and ribbons. We just be our true selves, and the need to pretend to be what we’re not rarely arises. That was why the holiday we took together at Sg. Lembing and Kuantan just a few days ago was definitely the Highlight of 2008. But, more on that later.

In terms of my romantic life, nothing significant occurred. Of course, I was more exposed to different people and personalities, but have not yet found anybody that could exhilarate me enough to make me pump up my energy to juggle both studies and relationships. This year was exhausting and busy enough without having to care for someone else's emotional needs as well. Although yeah, I was tempted to. Sometimes nearing midnight though, I longed for someone to soothe me with gentle words or to hear me rant out my frustrations after a long, hard day. And, when your girl cousin comes to stay at your house and asked you subtly but smugly if you're still single, you sometimes wished that you could throw 'No, I have a lovely boyfriend' back to her face just to shut her up from ploughing on about her lovely boyfriend.

During the holidays, I'm totally hooked on ER, Ugly Betty, Reaper and Friends. I'm not drooling over George Clooney in ER, for your information. John Carter, the doctor intern is more of my taste. I've read a total of approximately 6 books, but my holiday pick is definitely 'The Post-Birthday World' by Lionel Shriver. It's beautifully written and absorbing - I was entranced from start to finish.

From 28th to 30th of November, I went to a holiday camp with my brothers and cousin. It was the best camp I've ever wen to, despite the excruciating physical challenges. I was the leader of the Yellow Team (all 4 of us were in different groups). My leadership skills were honed well there. Although my team only won the 4th place out of 8 teams, my 8 team members were all a tight-knit group with the exception of 2. Besides, my group was the only group praised for our undying spirit of perseverance - we refused to give up in a competition where there where other teams who sabotaged us. So yes, I was proud of my team!

Unfortunately, I had chikungunya fever (similar to dengue, but less fatal), a type of viral infection after the camp due to numerous mosquito bites. Mosquitoes are evil - they bit me even when I was bathing! Anyway, a mosquito of Aedes-infected strain must have bitten me, because I was covered with angry red rashes all over my body. I'm like the freaking Spotty Monster. But apart from the rash, everything was normal - no fever, headache, joint/ bones pains. The first doctor couldn't diagnosed anything and though it was just allergy. The second doctor was smarter and drawn blood form my veins, therefore diagnosing it as viral infection (my platelets and white blood cells had a drop). Consequently, I was in a rather bad state when I went to the Sg. Lembing/ Kuantan trip with Yin, Laine and my family. Not that I was feeling unwell, but I was really conscious about my spotty appearance. Nonetheless, all of us managed to scale up a hill and had a fantastic feeling of being on cloud nine (I must be the first person with a mild case of dengue to have done that!). However, when we went to Hyatt Regency, I was unable to enjoy the beach or pool because I can't wear my swimsuit due to that spotty appearance. Laine and Yin were really good, they never even discriminated me and kept encouraging me to swim despite my protests. I only gave in on the last day of our vacation after Laine threatened me with dire repercussions if I did not swim.

I'll have to describe my holiday camp and vacation in my next post (with photos), because this post is already too long. So, stay tuned!

Who am I?

Who am I?

When I look back at my baby photos, a sense of disbelief nearly overwhelms me to think that 16 years back then, I looked like a sausage rolled up in a cloth. And, I looked like a boy! This is where I come from - my parents.

And this is the 'sausage' me:

This is the boyish version of me. Honestly, it's not my fault my hair's cut so hideously in the front. I would have protested if I could speak

6 years forward, I've graduated - from kindergarten.

In the blink of an eye (actually, more like a few bitter-sweet childhood memories which progressed into a horror, torturing primary school memory), I'm where I am now. I must say, I'm much happier now than I was 6 years back. At least, my self-dignity is not being thrown onto the floor several times a week, my heart stabbed with the terrible accusations and words of poison, which I fought back feebly then wallowed in self-pity. Pathetic. I have to thank these primary school friends, of course, for moulding me into the person I am today. They toughened me up, and if any of you had the most unfortunate opportunity of tasting my temper, witnessed my looks of death in which I seemed irritated, stern, cold or furious beyond belief, just remember that I was once a sweet little thing, like a skipping happy lamb before I knew I was to be slaughtered.

However, my tempers and looks of death are specially dished out to old friends who know me well and will be ready to forgive me when I'm finished with my 'fire-phase', never new friends who I once had a polite conversation with. With new company, I think I went back to my primary-school-personality, where I felt unsure of myself. I'm never the type of person who could meet a new friend for only a few minutes then chatter non-stop to him/her. I tend to build an invisible wall between us and I find it hard to just be myself for fear of the old hurt being inflicted on me again. It takes awhile for that wall to melt itself down, which is until I can completely trust the new friend. Too bad this rule doesn't apply when I'm provoked. My temper just flares up within me and I forgot all about building that wall, being hostile or even polite. I just say what I have in mind to that attack in straightforwardness and I do not even care if I offended that person at that time - he/she provoked me in the first place and it is expected from me to be defensive and indignant. I had to bit back my tongue sometimes from replying spitefully at the malice thrown at me.

After several weeks of knowing somebody, I might finally show them my true colours and that sometimes shocked them very much. My classmate, Pau Ching, for example was shocked at my sense of humour when I remarked about a teacher. I presumed that she thought I have no humour seeing I was quiet and serious when she first met me. Wei Wen and a couple of them had quite a shock too. In fact, Yin was one of the first people of getting that shock. This proves that people are never what they seemed to be.

One of the many reasons why I dislike socialising with people I barely know is that I hate the silence when we run out of things to say. It is simply awful, awkward, unbearable and uncomfortable. I don't care what people say about comfortable silence between two people with a common understanding. Rubbish. Silence is always uncomfortable in my vocabulary, unless both of us are preoccupied with our minds.

Some people may recommend me yoga or meditation to channel my anger in a healthier way and to beautify my inner spirit. Utter rubbish.

I think the more effective way is screaming my head off at the top of my lungs into a pillow so as to prevent the windows from shattering. It is much more satisfying and to simply release my frustration and anger by punching the soft toys on my bed just feels so good. My favorite victims are the blind cow, Moo (one of his eyes were plucked out by my brother, the other one by me - it was an honest accident!) and Snowball, the flabby cat. Not that I hate soft toys, I just dislike them. I have no where to keep them but on my bed and they're not exactly useful to me unless during my 'fire-phase'. People just don't realize that I'm too old for soft toys and go on giving them to me.

In school, I've been most commonly labelled as boring, NO life,nerd and anti-social. Even though wise people have always said that you should not be bothered by the way people perceive you, but how you perceive yourself, I more or less do care about my self-image in the eyes of others. It is hard to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear when people constantly remind you that you are those things they said.

First of all, I honestly think that people who think that I'm a boring person obviously haven't discover much about me. The only side they see of me is the only side they want to see - boring. They want to categorize me as boring and they have thier mind set that I'm a boring person who only likes to read and study. Because of that, they think I'm a nerd and has NO life too. That is why they are shocked when I expose my real self. I do watch TV and play games like others do. I might achieve slightly better exam results than others not because I wholly sacrifice my mind and soul to textbooks, but because I'm just more determined and focused on what I know has to be done. Doing well in school is a minimum qualification I need to acheive for the sake of myself, not a choice. I do not form little groups and gossip in class not because I'm anti-social, but because these gossips are so insignificant to me that I can't possibly be bothered by them when I have more pressing matters in my mind. I can do that privately when I'm with my closest circle of friends. I constantly strive to do better and to exceed my own expectations to have a higher chance of having a better life. I know money can't buy happiness, but it certainly solves many problems and provides many luxuries. I don't want to look back 20 years later and regret for not doing better, then look at my present-self and hate what I'm seeing, realizing that I've wasted half of my life away.

Anyway, those who said that people like me have no life better watch out - they might not be cautious about the road they're taking. They might say, "Live like there's no tomorrow," and that is why they are being so carefree. However, I believe that every decision or step I take now might change my life, minorly or majorly, just that I cannot predict the future now. They might live like there's no tomorrow, but I'm certainly living for a better tomorrow. 30 years later, they might change thier minds about the numerous nerds they teased when they are fat, bald, with a protruding stomach, possibly jobless, money-less or even wife-less; the nerds they once teased are having high-flying careers with all the money in the world to spend with thier loving family. (No offence here; simply expressing my thoughts)

Wan Shin told me that we might all die in 2012. Gosh, I'm only 20 and might even be about to meet my soul mate! (I do believe in soul mate, but not love at first sight.) No use worrying about dieing in 2012, it might not even happen. At least, I seriously hope it will not. Whenever I imagined my soul mate, these 2 pictures come inexplicably into my mind.

The tall, dark stranger with a question mark for their face. I don't know how my soul mate will be until I've met him. He might even be the complete opposite of me, just please not let him be dressed like this:

or like this:

And, I long for great vacations in personalized vacation homes. Or, maybe I could even buy one of those houses and live there for peace. I might live in a English cottage like this:

It would be lovely to wake up every morning, looking out the window which overlooks a wide field of sunflowers. Taking a stroll along the garden path which is grown wildly with daisies would be a perfect start of a day. Of course, I would never live there until I am finished with my working life.

More updates next time because I'm rather sleepy now and I'm not thinking straight any more. Yin and Laine knows this best. Midnight turns me wild and I can no longer filter my mind as what to say or not say, write or not write. Night night.

The most torturous weeks of my life

The past 3 weeks had been a total nightmare. And, I'm not exaggerating. This absolute nightmare of mine is not solely because of exams, but also due to my grandfather's death.

I was thinking, on the fateful day of the 3rd of May, it was just another ordinary Saturday morning for everyone in my family. My grandfather woke up from bed, and set out with my uncle to his fish factory just like any other day. He drove the Toyota Altis out to the factory, with my uncle in the passenger seat. He walked out of his house, not knowing that it was the last time he will see his wife, children and grandchildren.

In my house, my dad went to work, my mum went to Giant, and I prepared for my music class in the afternoon, just like every other Saturday. Every family member carried out their usual Saturday activities, not knowing the tragedy that was about to hit us.

At around 1545 when I was in my music theory group class in Puchong, the headmaster came into the room and told me that I had to go now. I stared at him blankly. I knew what was going to happen next. I knew instantly that someone in my family must have died. Isn't this the lines people always say in movies or stories when someone died? The headmaster confirmed my suspicions. He informed me that my grandfather had passed away. I continued to stare at him blankly. The room was dead-silent the moment the words came out from his lips. There was a sharp intake of breath around the table, and my classmates looked at me to see how I was taking the news. I heard perfectly well what the headmaster was saying, but I just can't seemed to absorb, comprehend or understand the fact that my grandfather just died. The initial shock was so overwhelming that I was momentarily paralysed. I felt my throat constricted and tears welled up in my eyes. I never lost a family member before until now, not direct family members anyway. I always felt so fortunate that I had 2 complete sets of grandparents. But, not anymore. I thought of my dearly beloved grandfather who took me to parks when I was little, who spoilt me with trips to the malls and various Barbie dolls, my grandfather who fetched me from school everyday and called me "公公婆婆的乖孙" and "掌上明珠". It was only when words of comfort were whispered to me that the tears came flowing out. I was shaking and trembling uncontrollably. My knees felt weak as I went downstairs where my mum awaits me.

At one glance at me, my mum knew that I've mistaken the death of her father, the grandfather which I have a close relationship with. She consoled me and told me that it was actually 阿公 from my dad's side who had passed away, not my beloved 公公. I was relieved that it wasn't 公公 who died, but I felt instantly guilty at my relief. It is not that I'm less sorry that it was 阿公 who passed away, just that we weren't really close from the start, due to lack of communication. He only speaks Hokkein, but it is that language that I despised and refused to learn. We had a mutual understanding, 阿公 and I. He merely grunted in reply when I said, “阿公, 吃饭。” whenever I went back to Sasaran, my hometown in Kuala Selangor. But still, he's a blood-relative of mine. He always rewarded me for every good exam results I achieved. I was so used to his presence in family gatherings or in our kampung house. And suddenly, he was gone. What is that? I mean, really, what is THAT?!

We went home instantly, packed some clothes and drove back to Sasaran, as instructed by Dad. He was still waiting at the hospital to bring 阿公's body back home. Gosh, how awful. 阿公 is now referred to as a body, not a living, breathing human. I've never known my kampung house to be so eerily silent. Normally, the noise of children laughing, screaming and crying annoyed me, but now, it just scared me. I finally understood what "有声胜无声" meant. I doubted the kids are old enough to understand what death means, for even I who am years older than them is struggling hard to comprehend the death of 阿公. However, the kids certainly felt the sullen mood which has infected the house, and they were still and silent, looking at their parents sobbing uncontrollably. Most of my cousins had already arrived, and all of us crammed into one of the rooms, leaving the adults to their 'business'.

Mum later told me that 阿公 died in a car crash on the way back to Sasaran. He did not wear seat belts when driving himself and my uncle back home. A car behind him cut forward so suddenly, that he had to swerve the car to another direction to avoid colliding with that car. Unfortunately, the car swerved, hit a electric post, and skidded into a drain. 阿公 was thrown vigorously in the car, his head hitting twice on the side window, so even air bags could not save him. My uncle was more fortunate, with only minor injuries after the crash.

The realization hits me suddenly when I remembered that I was supposed to sit for mid-year exams on Monday. 阿公's funeral will be held on Thursday morning. I figured that I could only miss 2 days of exams, which would be Wednesday and Thursday. I was fortunate that my family members were understanding. They allowed me to study for my exams, which I did. It was quite torturous, studying in kampung. There was no proper table, and the lights were dim. In addition to the constant smoke, sobbing noises and sounds of gongs, chinese flutes and other instruments with the endless prayers, I was really struggling to study. Crowds of people came to pay their respects to 阿公, which made the house even noisier. Furthermore, it was Sejarah and BM on Monday. It took a great deal of will and determination to not just say, "Oh, sod it! My grandfather just died! I will just flunk my exams!" Instead, I focused my concentration to the Sejarah facts before my eyes, and forced myself to absorb as many facts as I can. However, my study time was interrupted by prayers, which all family members had to attend at the front of the house. Mind you, the prayers were quite long, about approximately for a joss stick to finish burning. My knees were sore from kneeling. Sometimes, however, we were allowed to sit. The prayers went on 4 times a night for 4 consecutive nights, until the day of the funeral. It was only during the brief intervals while the '师父' is resting when I could study. Compared to my silent, comfortable room, with my big study table and armchair, I was rather in a bad environment to study. Well, I kept chanting my mantra, 'Mind over Matter' to myself, and it certainly worked. And, that was how I studied for the nights in kampung.

Around 2330 every night after the last round of prayers, my uncle would fetch my cousins and I back to Subang Jaya and Klang, because most of us will be sitting for exams on the next day. And so, I reached home at about 0100, packed my school bags and slept like a dead pig until 0630 and go to school. This traumatic experience had taught me to stay strong under adversities. I mastered 2 arts, first, the art of mind deception; second, the art of adapting to adverse conditions. With mind deception, no matter how exhausted and heavy my brain felt, I convinced myself that I'm bright and peaky, energetic and alert. It was in that state that I sat for almost all of my exams. After coming back from school, my uncle would once again fetch all of us back to Sasaran, and the cycle of prayers-study-home-exam-Sasaran repeated itself. This cycle continued for 3 weeks, up until I finished resitting for all of my exams. During those 3 weeks, I had no entertainment. We followed the tradition strictly, and we were forbidden to watch TV or play the computer. I found myself running out of plain shirts to wear. No matter now, it's all over. I'm a free person. If I managed to still acheived excellent results this time, I will thank 阿公 gratefully. It will be under his protection that I aced my exams, IF that happenes.

Fish Spa, Wave massage

Fish Spa, Wave Massage, Anyone???

March term exams are finally over. I felt totally exhausted. Terms like g(x), gf(x), ax²+bx+c, interstitial fluid, homeostasis, phagocytosis, valence electrons... that were swimming in my head for the last 2 weeks can finally be replaced by 'Fish Spa, Wave Massage', or in Chinese, '蓝天碧海'!

1st Day:
Okay, I know going on a holiday on the 9th of March may make my family seem like we were oblivious to the fact that the day before was the day democracy makes a difference to our country, but no. On the way to the enchanting island of Pulau Redang, we listened to the news of BN vs DAP on the radio. For total 7 hours since 0500, the radio was blaring away with news of the election, but even that could not dampen the holiday spirit in the car. Looks like Terengganu is pretty big on PAS.

At around 1220, we reached the jetty, all of us suffering from leg cramps. We lugged our baggage into the boat, and for 2 hours we suffered a roller-coaster kind of boat ride. I'm not exaggerating the 'roller-coaster' description. I mean it.

To be honest, I did not expect much from this holiday. I expected a bumpy boat ride to P. Redang, 'buruk' resort, polluted beach, rainy days. Thus, I was totally gobsmacked when I reached the beachfront, Laguna Redang Resort. Oh. My. God. The sea was in this totally stunning blue, no, turquoise! It glistened under the big, yellow sun, looking like a sea of sapphires. The waves were huge, crashing onto the rocks along the shore. I can taste salt in the air. The gentle breeze was blowing the hair off my face. The sand was this soft, fine, white colour. It had me thinking, did I just accidentally step out to the Caribbean??? Who would have thought Malaysia have this enchanting beach? I instantly fell in love with the beach.

After having late lunch at 1430, we explored the resort.

And, we hit the beach! The waves were huge and violent. Let me show you a 4-step guide for Dummies for Waves.

Step 1: Sit on the sea shore and let the waves wash over your legs. This is for a warm-up, because the sea water is really cold. Dummies go straight for the waves, ended up shivering like mad. Like my brother and cousin, Jason.

Step 2: Run towards the sea and embrace the waves!

Step 3: Turn around and let the huge waves hit you right on the butt! It's so relaxing.

Step 4: Say Ahhhhh!

P.S. Life jackets are crucial. The current is so strong that you'll be swept out of the sea before you can say "Help!"

2nd Day:

A good day starts with a big breakfast.

Swimming trunks. Check. Life jacket. Check. Snorkeling mask. Check. Suntan lotion. Check. Off to the P. Redang Marine Park! By boat.

Boat 1:

Yay! We arrived! It was burning hot! Spot me? I don't think I'm in this photo.

Lots of fish swimming about. 200,000 species, according to the instructor. It's kind of freaky, fish touching your skin. I'm still shocked at looking under the water and seeing a school of fish swimming towards me.

90 minutes later, the instructor yelled, "Laguna, times up!"

Boat 2:

Don't we all look like victims of some kind of flood?



We couldn't get enough of snorkeling. After lunch, we went for it again. This time, to the OPEN SEA! We had to jump down from the boat. Gosh, I've never seen a real coral in my entire life. One looked like cauliflower, the other looked like human brain. Ewww....There were pretty ones too, though. Carpet kind of coral. Fish....these fish are wild! Not like those tame ones in the Marine Park. It was a wonderful feeling, swimming in the wide, open sea. I think it was about 10 metres deep. Unfortunately, about 40 minutes later, I heard the horn of the boat. I was with Yan and Jason at that time, looking at those disgusting corals. Suddenly, a huge gust of wind blew, and the current grew stronger. We were drifting helplessly. Somebody yelled, "SHARKS!!!" I looked around, shocked. Sharks???? Sharks???? I was gripped with fear, suddenly realizing as if a world of danger had opened right in front of me. I yelled at Yan and Jason to get back to the boat. Mum was no where to be seen. Jun had gone up to the boat earlier with Dad. There was other people either far in front or far behind us. We swam with all of our strength. It was no easy job, I'm telling you. It seemed so easy to swim away from the boat when we first jumped down. But, swimming back was way harder, because we were swimming against the strong current. I couldn't identify any life guards. We swam hard, and just as I gasped for air, Yan kicked a mouthful of water into my mouth and I swallowed it, choking hard. Yuck. I suddenly thought about those Schistomosis things going into your skin or something I read about during the EST exam, and I shuddered. Finally, we reached our boat. Relief washed over me. 5 minutes later, Mum reached the boat too. The "SHARKS!" chaos was a stupid man's fault. He tried to tricked everyone to swim back to the boat faster when time was up. And, I believed him. I mean, anything could happen in the open sea! There's a huge possibility that sharks are swimming about, you know.

Look at these people, too weak to swim back. The life guard was pulling them back to the boat.

Boat 3:

The passengers really, really looked like victims of some sort of disaster. So, we went back to the resort with this boat, and had diiner. This colourful house, in that photo, is used in a Hong Kong movie years ago. I watched it on the hotel's TV. The movie was on 24/7, non-stop. We watched it countless times, until we could memorize the lines. It wasn't a boring movie. A romance comedy. No matter how many times we watched it, we still laughed out loud. The name of the main actor is More More Tea (么么茶）; the actress' name is Summer. 光良and 阿牛both starred in this movie too. The theme song (posted on my blog) was constantly stucked in my head when I was in P. Redang. This movie was genuinely made at P.Redang.

After a long, fun-filled day, we return to our rooms for a good night of rest. Doesn't our room looks like a dormitory?

3rd Day:

I just woke up from bed. Sitting on the balcony and listening to the soothing sound of waves is a good way to start a day.

Boat 4: (The best boat I've ever ridden for the entire P.Redang vacation) We went snorkeling at the Marine Park for the second time. It was more enjoyable this time. We had underwater photos took by the instructor, along with fish!

My mum is totally surrounded by fish!
How come I only got a few?
Fighting underwater with Jason.
Gasping for air...

Enough of snorkeling. I've got to have some photos with this beautiful scenery on this 'isolated' island. Wow...two waves overlapping with each other.

Time to go back.
Boat 5: (I don't think that this boat is even safe, taking in consideration it is about 30 years old. Plus, it said 12 PENUMPANG MAKSIMUM, but I'm pretty sure there was 30++ passengers aboard. The irony. We had to sit on the floor. No seats at all.)
After our lunch, we had a stroll along the beach.

My brother looks so cute!

4th Day/ Last Day:

Just one last photo at More More Tea Inn before going home. Another rocky ride with the boat.

Overall, this was one of the best beach resort I've ever been to. Everything was just tres magnifique!

Top 10 Books in Year 2007 (My List)

Top 10 Books in Year 2007 (My List)

10. Ella Enchanted
Author: Gail Carson Levine
Pages: 238
Comments: Ella Enchanted is the 10th of my Must-Read List. It is full with humour, and a classic twist is added to it. Ella Enchanted is a good read, charming and intriguing me until the very end.


9. Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials Trilogy
Author: Philip Pullman
Pages: 929
Comments: This Trilogy consists of 3 titles, the first one titled 'The Golden Compass'. The sequels are 'The Subtle Knife' and 'The Amber Spyglass'. My personal favorite out of these 3 is 'The Amber Spyglass'. It adds a new whole concept on what fairy tales are. Although the long descriptions sometimes bore me, this trilogy is still capable of opening different worlds and exciting adventures to me.


8. Shopaholic Ties the Knot
Author: Sophie Kinsella
Pages: 406
Comments: I absolutely love this book! It's a pull-out-all-stops kind of read. This is a hilarious tale of Becky Bloomwood,a naive British who thinks money grow on trees. There is no way you can read this book without laughing out loud.


7. The Devil Wears Prada
Author: Lauren Weisberger
Pages: 432
Comments: Devil Wears Prada introduces me the world of fashion in New York City. Before reading this book, I barely knew any designer labels. After reading this, I know Christine Dior, Giorgio Armani, Marc Jacobs, Levi's, Hermes, Chanel, Prada, Bobbi Brown, Kate Spade, Miu Miu, Versace, Sephora, Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein. This book is horribly, ridiculously funny and I can't put it down after I start reading it!


6. Can You Keep a Secret?
Author: Sophie Kinsella
Pages: 374
Comments: Another book of Sophie Kinsella on my Must-Read List. Sophie Kinsella managed to hit it off again in this irresistibly hilarious tale. Emma Corrigan, a marketing assistant, imposed as a marketing executive when she was upgraded to the business-class seat on a plane. When the plane hit a turbulence, she thought it was the end of her life, and started blabbing her deepest secrets to a complete stranger beside her. And, it's 'Oh, SHIT!' for her when the stranger turned out to be her company's CEO, and knows every single humiliating detail about her. Gosh, I wouldn't like to be in her shoes...


5. Do You Come Here Often?
Author: Alexandra Potter
Pages: 480
Comments: This is a warm and humorous story of two childhood sweethearts (For only a day!) who ran into each other again after 13 years. Although Grace and Jimi were already in their early thirties, they felt all the awkwardness as if they were 18 all over again. They felt a familiar spark, but neither could do anything about it as they're both engaged to be married. So, they renewed their friendship, until both of their engagements were broken. It's all about being single, finding true soul mates, listening a radio show which sorts out love lives, long engagements, and complicated lives, in this heart-warming romance comedy.


4. In Her Shoes
Author: Jennifer Weiner
Pages: 521
Comments: In Her Shoes described a rivalry between two sisters, Rose and Maggie Feller. Rose is a successful lawyer, but would have failed in a fashion test. Maggie is drop dead gorgeous, but would have failed in a career test. Before Rose knew it, Maggie was moving into her apartment, wearing her shoes and sleeping with her guy. Rose threw Maggie out and Maggie found their long-lost grandmother. In the end, the two sisters reconciled, each having a better life. This is a moving story, with beautiful poems inserted.


3. My Best Friend's Girl
Author: Dorothy Koomson
Pages: 437
Comments: This is one of the most touching novels I ever read. Kamryn and Adele are best friends, until Adele slept with Kamryn's fiance, Nate. Kamryn didn't found out until Adele and Nate's daughter, Tegan was born. Nate didn't know that he had fathered Adele's child. Kamryn left all three of them instantly, and started a new life. Until one day, she received a letter from Adele, saying that she's dying and would like Kamryn to adopt Tegan. Kamryn found herself carrying a huge responsibility when Adele died. Luke came into Kamryn's life, and so did Nate. Kamryn found herself entangled in both of them, and on top of that, she needed to consider what was best for Tegan, a man who Tegan loved as her father, or the man who shared the same DNA with her, but did not loved her as a father should. It's a complicated yet beautiful story, and that's what made me engrossed in it.


2. The Nanny Diaries
Author: Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus
Pages: 368
Comments: This novel revolves around Mr. X, Mrs. X, Nanny, Grayer, and Harvard Hottie. Mr. X is the father of a 4 year old boy named Grayer, who is constantly absent in the household, and has an affair with Miss Chicago. Mrs. X does not take care of Grayer, but delegates that job to Nanny. Mrs. X slams the door in the face of Grayer, never picks up emergency calls, and leaves Grayer with Nanny when he's having a high fever, so that she can go to her spa. Nanny is a graduate student who raises Grayer, brings him to play dates, picks him up from school, and practically everything a mother should do. Nanny is subjected to Grayer's mood swings, Mrs. X laundry demands, late pay-checks, keeping Miss Chicago's affair with Mr. X a secret from Mrs. X. The Nanny Diaries introduces me to a whole new culture of Park Avenue Mothers, who do not work and spend more time planning charity than with their own child. A great story, and by the end of it, I know Grayer more than Mrs. X does.


1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Author: J.K. Rowling
Pages: 607
Comments: Well, no description is needed for this book. Everyone knows what I love about J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter! All I need to say is, this is definitely my favorite out of the 7 books.

>>>The End>>>

Bali End- of-Year Vacation

I'm back from Bali!!! Missed me, anyone? Well, Bali was definitely stunningly beautiful, I mean the temples. I have not much time for detail explanation since it's quite late now, so here's a preview of my Bali Vacation. Indulge! I'll post more about my Bali vacation later on, so wait!

Wedding

>>>People Spotting>>>

I attended a wedding in KL yesterday, and it wasn't exactly the most lavish wedding I ever saw. The ceiling decoration was not elaborate, the centerpiece of the VIP table was made of fake plastic flowers, the background of the stage did not have the wedding couple's name on it, the atmosphere and the lighting were all wrong. And, the wedding was held in the afternoon, so the guests were dressed a little too casual, and I was wearing semi-formal.

However, the hugest turnoff of the wedding was the guests smoked. If it was one thing I simply cannot stand anywhere at anytime, it is inhaling secondary smoke. The mere foul smell of it gets me irritated, especially when I was about to eat while the restaurant was in oppressive heat. I was gripping the glass of Coke tightly, because I was afraid if I loosened my grip, I will lose self-control and drench both of the smokers behind my table with Coke. And, I mean from head to toe.

While food was served, a guy from one of the tables went up the stage and started singing to provide the guests entertainment. I don't understand why the guests completely ignored his singing. When he was done, said thank you, and looked up expectantly, obviously waiting for applause, none came. Except for a single clapping, which came from me. I cannot believe it. Out of so many guests, I was the only one who appreciated his singing. His singing was honestly not bad, and the songs were not deadly traditional. For a wedding performance, it was in fact good enough. The poor guy sang his heart out, with all his emotions, and yet, no applause came to him. I was surprised that he did not seemed discouraged, and after 10 minutes or so, he went up the stage and sang a different song again. Again, I was the only one applauding him. He kept singing at intervals while dishes were served. Again and again, I was the only one applauding him, and my brothers reluctantly followed me after I urged them to do so.

I honestly feel sorry for him. It must have took him a lot of effort to muster up the courage and sing so many times for the guests with no applause as reward. I really admire his spirit and attitude of not feeling the least discouraged and persevere till the end of all his songs. He still sang every song with enthusiasm. If it was me on the stage singing and at the end, there was no applause at all, I will be mortified beyond measurement and will never sing in public for the rest of my life. I learned something valuable from him in that wedding.

You know what I hated most about the wedding? Not the fake centerpiece, not the atmosphere of the restaurant, not even the smokers. What I hated most was the behaviour of the guests who were too busy stuffing their faces with food or puffing smoke from their cigarettes, that they treated the poor guy on the stage invisible. That irritated me even more than the smokers. Okay, enough about the wedding.

Here is a photo I took last Tuesday at Yin Li's house: