Who am I?

Who am I?

When I look back at my baby photos, a sense of disbelief nearly overwhelms me to think that 16 years back then, I looked like a sausage rolled up in a cloth. And, I looked like a boy! This is where I come from - my parents.

And this is the 'sausage' me:
This is the boyish version of me. Honestly, it's not my fault my hair's cut so hideously in the front. I would have protested if I could speak

6 years forward, I've graduated - from kindergarten.

In the blink of an eye (actually, more like a few bitter-sweet childhood memories which progressed into a horror, torturing primary school memory), I'm where I am now. I must say, I'm much happier now than I was 6 years back. At least, my self-dignity is not being thrown onto the floor several times a week, my heart stabbed with the terrible accusations and words of poison, which I fought back feebly then wallowed in self-pity. Pathetic. I have to thank these primary school friends, of course, for moulding me into the person I am today. They toughened me up, and if any of you had the most unfortunate opportunity of tasting my temper, witnessed my looks of death in which I seemed irritated, stern, cold or furious beyond belief, just remember that I was once a sweet little thing, like a skipping happy lamb before I knew I was to be slaughtered.

However, my tempers and looks of death are specially dished out to old friends who know me well and will be ready to forgive me when I'm finished with my 'fire-phase', never new friends who I once had a polite conversation with. With new company, I think I went back to my primary-school-personality, where I felt unsure of myself. I'm never the type of person who could meet a new friend for only a few minutes then chatter non-stop to him/her. I tend to build an invisible wall between us and I find it hard to just be myself for fear of the old hurt being inflicted on me again. It takes awhile for that wall to melt itself down, which is until I can completely trust the new friend. Too bad this rule doesn't apply when I'm provoked. My temper just flares up within me and I forgot all about building that wall, being hostile or even polite. I just say what I have in mind to that attack in straightforwardness and I do not even care if I offended that person at that time - he/she provoked me in the first place and it is expected from me to be defensive and indignant. I had to bit back my tongue sometimes from replying spitefully at the malice thrown at me.

After several weeks of knowing somebody, I might finally show them my true colours and that sometimes shocked them very much. My classmate, Pau Ching, for example was shocked at my sense of humour when I remarked about a teacher. I presumed that she thought I have no humour seeing I was quiet and serious when she first met me. Wei Wen and a couple of them had quite a shock too. In fact, Yin was one of the first people of getting that shock. This proves that people are never what they seemed to be.

One of the many reasons why I dislike socialising with people I barely know is that I hate the silence when we run out of things to say. It is simply awful, awkward, unbearable and uncomfortable. I don't care what people say about comfortable silence between two people with a common understanding. Rubbish. Silence is always uncomfortable in my vocabulary, unless both of us are preoccupied with our minds.

Some people may recommend me yoga or meditation to channel my anger in a healthier way and to beautify my inner spirit. Utter rubbish.

I think the more effective way is screaming my head off at the top of my lungs into a pillow so as to prevent the windows from shattering. It is much more satisfying and to simply release my frustration and anger by punching the soft toys on my bed just feels so good. My favorite victims are the blind cow, Moo (one of his eyes were plucked out by my brother, the other one by me - it was an honest accident!) and Snowball, the flabby cat. Not that I hate soft toys, I just dislike them. I have no where to keep them but on my bed and they're not exactly useful to me unless during my 'fire-phase'. People just don't realize that I'm too old for soft toys and go on giving them to me.

In school, I've been most commonly labelled as boring, NO life,nerd and anti-social. Even though wise people have always said that you should not be bothered by the way people perceive you, but how you perceive yourself, I more or less do care about my self-image in the eyes of others. It is hard to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear when people constantly remind you that you are those things they said.

First of all, I honestly think that people who think that I'm a boring person obviously haven't discover much about me. The only side they see of me is the only side they want to see - boring. They want to categorize me as boring and they have thier mind set that I'm a boring person who only likes to read and study. Because of that, they think I'm a nerd and has NO life too. That is why they are shocked when I expose my real self. I do watch TV and play games like others do. I might achieve slightly better exam results than others not because I wholly sacrifice my mind and soul to textbooks, but because I'm just more determined and focused on what I know has to be done. Doing well in school is a minimum qualification I need to acheive for the sake of myself, not a choice. I do not form little groups and gossip in class not because I'm anti-social, but because these gossips are so insignificant to me that I can't possibly be bothered by them when I have more pressing matters in my mind. I can do that privately when I'm with my closest circle of friends. I constantly strive to do better and to exceed my own expectations to have a higher chance of having a better life. I know money can't buy happiness, but it certainly solves many problems and provides many luxuries. I don't want to look back 20 years later and regret for not doing better, then look at my present-self and hate what I'm seeing, realizing that I've wasted half of my life away.

Anyway, those who said that people like me have no life better watch out - they might not be cautious about the road they're taking. They might say, "Live like there's no tomorrow," and that is why they are being so carefree. However, I believe that every decision or step I take now might change my life, minorly or majorly, just that I cannot predict the future now. They might live like there's no tomorrow, but I'm certainly living for a better tomorrow. 30 years later, they might change their minds about the numerous nerds they teased when they are fat, bald, with a protruding stomach, possibly jobless, money-less or even wife-less; the nerds they once teased are having high-flying careers with all the money in the world to spend with their loving family. (No offence here; simply expressing my thoughts)

Wan Shin told me that we might all die in 2012. Gosh, I will only be 20 years old and might even be about to meet my soul mate! (I do believe in soul mates, but not love at first sight.) No use worrying about dying in 2012, it might not even happen. At least, I seriously hope it will not. Anyway, whenever I imagined my soul mate, these 2 pictures come inexplicably into my mind.

The tall, dark stranger with a question mark for their face. I don't know how my soul mate will be until I've met him. He might even be the complete opposite of me, just please not let him be dressed like this:

or like this:

And, I long for great vacations in personalized vacation homes. Or, maybe I could even buy one of those houses and live there for peace. I might live in a English cottage like this:

It would be lovely to wake up every morning, looking out the window which overlooks a wide field of sunflowers. Taking a stroll along the garden path which is grown wildly with daisies would be a perfect start of a day. Of course, I would never live there until I am finished with my working life.

More updates next time because I'm rather sleepy now and I'm not thinking straight any more. Yin and Laine knows this best. Midnight turns me wild and I can no longer filter my mind as what to say or not say, write or not write. Night night.